If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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