my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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