I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
id be glad to
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
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Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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