Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
