I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize