My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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