and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
home. puking in laundry basket.
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Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You made out with two different species that night
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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