ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
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When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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