went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
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Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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