Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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