Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize