you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
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The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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