I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
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I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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