I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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