Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
...so i touched it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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