dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
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i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
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Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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