so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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