I think im going to throw up on grandma
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
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And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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