i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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