It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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