You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize