fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
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Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
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Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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