We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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