I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
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Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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