...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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