My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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