also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
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I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
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We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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