Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
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He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
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Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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