I just pynch a tree in the face
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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