If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
In other news, I just burned my penis
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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