Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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