This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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