***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
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It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
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Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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