i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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