Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize