last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
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I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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