Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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