I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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