You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Sorry my hands just texted you
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
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