I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
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I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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