He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
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Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
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I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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