someone get that fucking seahorse.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
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