this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
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I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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