went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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