I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
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Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cock deserves a montage
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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