omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
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My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
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Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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