2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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