I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
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well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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