So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
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kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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