you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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